Drunk Tsuna or 'Let's Talk'
by Riverly-Melody
Summary: Because when the Tenth Vongola boss becomes truly fed up and, most inconveniently, gets drunk, no one knows what will happen. Obviously, whatever it is, it can't be pleasant, especially for those who face the Vongola Decimo's righteous wrath. Drunk!Boss!Tsuna
1. Beginning

**Drunk Tsuna or "Let's Talk?"**

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**Original Author (Russian):** Pipistrello

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**Original Source:** Ficbook

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**Translated by:** 0Oo The River Witch oO0

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**Summary: **Because when the Tenth Vongola boss becomes truly fed up and, most inconveniently, gets drunk, no one knows what will happen. Obviously, whatever it is, it can't be pleasant, especially for those who face the Vongola Decimo's righteous wrath. Drunk!Boss!Tsuna

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**Characters:** Sawada Tsunayoshi, Vongola, Varia, Dino.

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**Warnings:** OOC, alcohol, language. This fic is forbidden from taking seriously (officially from the fic author.)

* * *

**Disclaimers:** KHR belongs to lovely Amano Akira, 'Пьяный Тсуна или "Поговорим?"' принадлежит совершенно замечательной и чудесной Pipistrello, translation belongs to me.

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As always, the meeting of the Guardians of the almighty Vongola started at around 11:30 AM. At the moment though, it was already 12:00 and almost every Guardian was assembled in the hall where meetings were usually held. At exactly twelve in the afternoon, with an imposing stride and a cheeky smile plastered over his face, Rokudo Mukuro practically floated into the room, faking an apologetic tone.

"Oh, my dear boss, I apologize for my lateness, please forgive me, I've been hurrying so much and yet I haven't been able t..."

Mukuro trailed off when he noticed the armchair to which his words were addressed was quite very empty.

"Oya? And where is our dear boss?" He asked with a note of puzzlement.

"I have the same question," Hibari Kyouya spat coldly. "You're late, herbivore douchebag."

"Oya oya, Kyouya-kun, have I been promoted?" Rokudo snorted. "From an ordinary herbivore to an herbivore douchebag – why, I suppose I can be very proud with myself. Kufufufu~"

"Oi! Shut your mouths, you bastards!" Gokudera shouted irritably. "Juudaime is never late without a reason so it must be something serious. When he gets here, I'm sure Juudaime will explain everything."

The Guardians understood – Hayato was right. Tsuna was very punctual about meetings and life in general and was almost never late. That's why such a lengthy delay was at least slightly alarming.

Thankfully, barely five minutes have passed after the passionate tirade of the 'right-hand man' when the door finally opened with a quiet creak and there, in all his unspeakable glory, appeared the Tenth Vongola Boss.

Standing in the doorway, he slightly wobbled, gripping the knob with his right hand and in his left hand clenching some sort of rope, the end of which was hidden as it stretched out of sight behind him.

Always smartly dressed, right now the Sawada offered a very funny sight indeed. His tie, usually done with care and precision, was now slightly unknotted and thrown carelessly over his shoulder. The buttons of his shirt were fastened completely wrong, so the shirt stuck at odd angles while his suit hung off one of his shoulders.

A silent wave of shock swept through the room and the people inside.

The Tenth gazed at each and every one of his Guardians heavily and, appearing much too sardonic for his character, giggled.

"Oh~! Look who's here. My battle six, all here, all together," his tongue slurring and hiccuping, the boss exclaimed, "And even Mukuro has graced us with his holy presence. What an _honor_."

"Juudaime!" Hayato shrieked as he sprung from his seat, "Are you alright, Juudaime?"

"Shhhhh!" Tsuna hissed at his 'right hand'. "Please don't shout, Gokudera, everything's fiiine. We just... Etooo... Er... Well, we just had a teensy weensy bit with the horse."

"Juudaime, what horse? Are you okay?!"

"What do you mean, 'what horse'? The Cavallone Bucephalus of course. Ugh, come on, I was with _Dino_ for god's sake – he stopped by so we decided to celebrate and, you know, remember the good times." He hiccuped and slightly careened to his left, though he thankfully caught himself and steered back upright as he jabbed his index finger to the ceiling. "But! I haven't forgotten about the meeting." Tsuna said, still not stepping into the room. "...But that's not important. I came here for a reason – I want to introduce you to someone. Something. Whatever."

And so, Tsuna slowly pulled the rope that he was holding and from out of the doorway showed a stack of papers, approximately forty centimeters in width. The Vongola boss smiled in a very disturbing manner.

"Here, I introduce to thee, the reports of your, my darlings, doings, in just the last three weeks." Tsuna, tugging the rope curtly again, put the 'new acquaintance' in front of himself for the hall to see.

"Reports-san, please, I introduce to you my eagles, and right now, we are now going to have a lovely chat." The Tenth smiled even wider if that was possible, though his speech was mostly botched up by his uncontrollable tongue. Nevertheless, he candidly pulled his 'new acquaintance' along and walked determinedly, albeit dangerously staggering, to his chair in the head of the table.

The quite zonked underlings silently watched how their boss coursed to his place and even though he was known to be quite often 'degustating' expensive alcohol when he locked up in his bedroom, especially lately, this was the first time the Guardians have seen their boss like _THIS_. Even Hibari seemed to be slightly surprised, judging by his slightly widened eyes and a raised eye brow.

Finally connecting with the chair, Tsuna dragged the stack of papers off from the floor and onto the table and, once again giving a long look at each of those present, frowned darkly, in what might be distinguished as disgust.

"Juudaime!" Hayato took off from his seat again. "Maybe I should bring you some water?"

"Kufufufu~" The Mist spoke up. "No, I believe he won't be needing any water. Better bring him some chapmaign – it'll be much more entertaining for everyone."

"You..." Gokudera growled but was interrupted by the Sawada.

"I'd suggest you shut up, Mukuro. You've got at least fifty pages on yourself – and don't worry, we will _certainly_ get to them. Today, gentlemen, you will all pay for your sins. Why, you ask? Correct – because you've _fucking pissed me __off!_"

The boss leaned into his chair and closed his eyes. But after only a minute, he suddenly opened them and straightened sharply. He put his hands on the table in a business-like manner and tried to put on a serious expression, but seeing as he was 'slightly' tipsy, it looked quite amusing.

"Now then, how will we start the exescunt... Enxecu...eskexu... Tch! Oi, Gokudera, how's it again? Exe..."

"Execution, Juudaime." Hayato provided his boss helpfully.

"Right! Exencution." Tsuna couldn't pronounce it right after all. "Anooo... Who shall we start with. Oh! I know. Good old rhymes – Dino taught me this one," Tsuna jabbed his finger at each of his Guardians and said,

"Intry, mintry, cutry, corn

Apple seed and apple thorn

Wire, briar, limber, lock

Five geese in a flock

One flew east, one flew west,

and one flew over the cuckoo's nest

Out, with a dirty dishcloth, out!"

By the end of the rhymes, the Tenth's finger was pointed at a face-in-the-table, blissfully sleeping Lambo.

"Hehehehe! And here's our very first victim," Tsuna sang stupidly and hummed something quite akin to a funeral march. "Cough... Ow, look at that, my throat's all dry. Gokudera, be a dear and bring me some water."

The Storm Guardian reacted immediately and in five seconds, a glass of water was standing firmly in front of Tsuna. He took it into a hand, twirled it around contemplatively, drank a bit of the water, and then, to everyone's big surprise, threw it at Lambo with all his strength.

"_Wake up, Stupid Cow!_" Sawada yelled roughly. "Or how does Xanxus have it? Why the _fuck_ are you sleeping on a fucking _meeting_, you piece of trash!?" He growled menacingly.

The glass sailed over the table and with a dull bang collided against the long-suffering head of the Lightning Guardian, dousing the latter with cold water. The glass's quite sad life ended on the floor as a pile of shards. That quickly pulled Lambo from Morpheus's embraces and, incomprehensibly rubbing the bump he received and wiping away the water off his face, he stared with horror at his boss.

"What're you looking at, Bovino?" Tsuna hissed harshly through his teeth.

"Hah?" The teen watched his boss, dumbfounded.

"I said, _good morning_. Would you like a priest to shrive?"

"What?" Still half-asleep, Lambo wasn't displaying any brightness at all.

"Someone is about to confess in their fuck ups." Tsuna grumbled as he dug through the papers that he'd brought with him.

Taking out of the astonishingly thick stack about twenty papers, he started looking through them in clear displeasure.

"You see, Lambo, I do not understand why the bloody _fuck_ you need so many clothes. Why does Vongola have to pay for all your bloody shitty stuff? Do you what, _eat_ it or something? These- right here, yes – are all bills from boutiques, and not just _any_ boutiques, but the very best, fucking over-priced ones. And stop howling like a baby, it ain't gonna work on me right now. By the way," Tsuna folded his arms, "I blocked the credit card that you stole from me and thought I wouldn't notice. You little shit. Got yourself horns and everything and still haven't grown out of your diapers, brat. Gokudera, bring me another glass."

"Boooss!" Lambo sniveled miserably. "Please don't! I'm still young, I want to live a full life! I want to be in style, I mean, I'm in the actual mafia and I might even die tomorrow and I have to be at least beautiful..."

"Why yes, you just might. And I'll be the one to bury you. I'll strangle you myself, I will. Though I have an even better idea – I'll shave off your hair first and burn all your rag shit to hell as a ritual sacrifice before that. And believe me, I will really do it if I _ever again_ get a phonecall from some mafiosi who tells me you were _harassing his daughter_."

"I was not!" Indignant, Lambo squealed in his own defense. "They're the ones harassing me in the first place..."

"And _you're_ the only one who says that." Tsuna cut him off. "Get it in your thick head already – lots of families want to be closer to the Vongola and you, as a Guardian, are a perfect candidate. If it wasn't for our spy who rescued you when you were screaming and rendered to a state where you were only in your underwear, all the while you were cuffed to a radiator, you would've very well ended up as the husband of the Sigillo's family heiress. Those bloody possessive fathers with their bloody obsessive daughters will stop at absolutely nothing, the prats, and you're supposed to know that by now. And really, who else could they pick? Yamamoto? Haha! He'll just giggle like an idiot, then show his katana just for shits and giggles, and any enthusiasm is as good as gone. Gokudera? Uh-huh, right. He thinks he's already married with me. Ryohei... Oh, God save any person from him. You'd have to see an ear doctor, or, perhaps, permanently move out into a hospital for deaf. Mukuro? Hibari? That's- that's not even..."

Tsuna pinched the bridge of his nose as he shook his head and sighed resignedly. He focused his gaze – as much as he could in his state – on the whimpering teen.

"Anyway, Lambo," he waved a hand dismissively, "Just go bury your charisma in a hole somewhere or whatever. And try not to fuck up like an idiot all the time. Then, maybe, I might allow you to use the credit card again. For now though, go suck your paw in a corner, little shit."

The Tenth ended and leaned back into his chair again, massaging his aching temples.

"What a clusterfuck. I've got a headache from only one of you and there's still five more to go." He muttered. "Oi, Gokudera, bring me some champaign."

"Kufufufu..."

"Yes yes, Mukuro, champaign. I happened to like your idea." The Sawada smirked in a much too malicious way for anyone's comfort.

"I'm happy to be of any service, boss." The blue-haired only smiled.

"...Hm. Talking about birds. Oi, Hibari, relax." Tsuna reassured his Cloud Guardian, seeing how the latter bristled like a hedgehog at his boss's words. "We'll talk about birds later. Right now, we welcome Mukuro on stage!" Mimicking an entertainer, Tsuna proclaimed loudly. "Please, let us greet another star of our show!" The Tenth clapped his hands energetically, stopped, gulped half a glass of champaign that had been brought by the ever-so-caring right hand man, clapped some more, stopped to down the rest of the playful alcohol, and then hurled the glass at Mukuro.

Of course though, Mukuro wasn't Lambo, so naturally he avoided it and the glass, whistling as it flew mere millimeters from his temple, hit the wall and shattered into tiny pieces.

"Oya... Very good aim, Sawada Tsunayoshi, considering your... state. Kufufufufu~"

"Good, good. I know that without you. Had good teachers." Tsuna snapped curtly. "And stop with your chicken speech already – that 'kufufu'ing of yours, even though bloody creepy at the beginning, is getting seriously irritating by now. See, even Hibari cringes every time. It is, of course, highly amusing to see that, but it's starting to annoy me. A bit more and he'll really snap and you, dear, will have to grow out your stupid tail for at least another ten years. I see the only one who appears entertained with your noises is Takeshi. Right, Yamamoto?"

Tsuna narrowed his gaze on the swordsman.

"Smiling, huh? Mmm..." His lips curled into a dark smirk. "Why, that's okay, you'll stop smiling soon too, don't worry. You see over there – one's already crying." The boss nodded in the direction of whining Lambo. "Soon, you'll all be crying like that. Ryohei, stop banging on the table like a fucking circus monkey!" The brunet snapped at the boxer who promptly stopped.

"You're so funny today, Tsuna." Takeshi smiled.

"I am?" The Tenth blinked blearily and almost fell out of his seat. "Funny? Ah... But of course. When we get to you, I assure you I will be _very_ funny – so funny, you might find yourself on the floor. Though not likely from laughing. But right now we're going to shrive our dear Rokudo-kun." Tsuna said and started shuffling through the familiar stack of papers. "A-ha! Found it!" Tsuna exclaimed and pulled out a file of papers, about eight centimeters in width.

"Now then, let us begin." He said, putting his hands under his chin in a prayerful manner as he sighed and looked up, as if at the heavens. "Tell me, Mukuro, what religion do you profess?"

There was a blank silence.

"Who? Me?" The illusionist frankly startled.

"Ah... Right. Sorry, I said something quite stupid." Tsuna shook his head and lightly tapped on his lips as if reprimanding himself for uttering such a thing. "Let me phrase it differently then. _Why the fuck did you go to a church to shrive_?!" The Tenth suddenly yelled, making everyone except Mukuro flinch.

"But boss, it was so interesting. People say that after that, your sins are all forgiven. And you feel better. That day I was feeling so terrible... My sins were disturbing me _so_ much," Rokudo sighed oh-so-sorrowfully. "And the priest had this funny expression when he listened to me. He must've been empathizing with me. I even showed him illusion pictures for a better understanding."

"Funny expression?" Tsuna said quietly. "_Funny expression_!?" He couldn't help but start shouting again. "_You fucking_ _wretch_! After your 'funny expression', the man is in coma for _three weeks_ already from a _fucking nervous breakdown_! And his last words before he fell into coma, have you heard them? No? '_Satan has come!'_. Gokudera. More champaign." The boss demanded absently.

"Coma, you say?" Mukuro murmured, smiling much too strangely. And then he sharply pulled out his mobile phone and, quickly dialing some number, put it to his ear.

"Oi, Mukuro." Tsuna said sternly. "Have you lost the last bits of your non-existent sense of self-preservation?"

"Just a sec," the Mist Guardian showed a thumb up. "Hello. Chikusa, you've lost! Next time we meet, you better hand me a hundred or else. What? Oh, yes! He's in a coma. I told you he wouldn't actually die~ Uh-huh! Okay, hanging up now." He slipped the mobile away. "See, I told you I'd be quick," he sang and turned to his boss whose jaw hung open from shock at this blatant display.

"Fascinating..." Tsuna breathed as he slightly shook his head and gazed into nowhere. He stuck his hand to his right without turning, "Gokudera, where is my champaign?"

"It's here, Juudaime." Gokudera, quite thoughtfully, slipped the completely furious boss another glass of the alcohol. Tsuna drank it in one sit and put it back on the table with a loud clang.

"More!" He ordered briskly.

"Understood!" Gokudera responded happily.

Another glass was downed in one go. But this time, Tsuna very quietly and very carefully put it back on the table. He breathed in deeply, breathed out, and looked back at Mukuro with dimmed eyes.

"You... You batsa... bastrad... you son of a bitch, Mukuro." Tsuna's tongue was starting to betray him again. "I'm so tired of you, just go die in a fire already. Mou, heaven help the priest, but why did you have to involve _children_? Hah?!" Tsuna blurted out desperately. "Why? Why do you go to a fucking _kindergarten_ every damn Friday?"

"I just adore children. Sometimes drop by to play for a bit. I tell them lots of stories," Mukuro smiled sunnily.

"Yeah, right. Stories." Sawada's voice reeked of sarcasm.

He dragged a palm over his face and then slapped it against the table loudly.

"Okay, stories are maybe, almost fine – you tell plenty of that bullshit to us here too. But would you care to elaborate on those games of yours, mhm?"

"Kufufufu..."

"_What are you laughing at, you piece of a fucked up pineapple?!_" Again with the shouting. "If you were only playing with them – which I cannot frankly imagine – it would not have resulted in several of the children coming home with a case of strange laughter – I have solid suspicions I know exactly how it sounds, goddammitall – and carrying around bloody _forks_. Do you know that some children have been hospitalized for schizophrenic behavior? Because the parents experienced how their own children poked at them with said forks and talked about something like _enslaving the human race_ and _taking over the world_." Tsuna had veins pulsing on his forehead by now. "What are you, making followers for yourself!?"

"Oya, oya~!" Mukuro sang. "My plan's working brilliantly I see. Kufufufu!"

"I'll fucking show you 'plan's working'! You'll see – I'll give you back to the mummies in the black coats in no time. They'll be quite happy to put you into a jar again, I can guarantee that. Maybe another ten years will miraculously make you grow at least some sort of sense of consciousness."

"Boss, but then why did you take me out of there in the first place?"

"I frankly dunno. Because I was a young, naïve idiot perhaps. Positively, I should just hand you over to them, though I doubt it'll help much – better to roll you into cement and toss you into the ocean. I'd go for throwing you into outer space but that's just too expensive."

Tsuna did allow himself a moment to gaze up at the ceiling, smiling dreamily at such an image.

"And also," Sawada's face turned cold again as he cut off his happy dreams and pierced his Guardian with a gaze again, "Disband your cult immediately, you disgusting creature. How's it called again? 'Children of Saint Mukuro', something along those lines?"

"Oya?" The illusionist blinked innocently.

"Do not dare give me that, you bastard. I'm not your 'worshippers'. You can feed them whatever bullshit about rainbows and beautiful worlds. Thought I wouldn't find out? You know, I might've actually not, but you scum actually arrange your bloody gatherings in this very mansion. I'm still surprised how Hibari hasn't castrated you yet."

"Oh, but I choose times when he's away on missions," Mukuro nodded sympathetically. "I'm quite worried for his nervous system, you see, it's very fragile. He's so very sensitive, our Hibari-chan. Kufufufu~" Hibari, who was sitting to Tsuna's right, growled dangerously.

"And I also know," Sawada continued, disregarding the growing killer intent that came from his Cloud Guardian, "That on those 'gatherings' you profess world utopia that you will build for all those who 'truly believe'. You nag your 'followers' for money to 'build' this world of yours. And," a tired sigh, "I am also fed up by waking up to the chants of your worshippers who think that the Namimori fucking school anthem is an appropriate tune. It is, of course, nostalgic, but I'm ready to throw up by now."

After these words, every Guardian looked over at Kyouya cautiously. The latter closed his eyes and slowly stood up.

"Oi oi, Hibari, tshhh. Don't be like that," the Tenth chuckled. "After the meeting you can do whatever you please and no one's going to stop you or anything. We – me personally – will have fun watching. But for now, please sit down. _**I am not done yet**_."

There was that tone that made Tsuna the Tenth Vongola boss, even if a severely drunk one, and so, however annoyed and evil the look Hibari threw at Tsuna, he still lowered down onto his seat again.

His tonfa was demonstratingly put on the table in front of himself.

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**A/N:** My second try of translating a fic from Russian and hope I was able to get across all the characters and way of words. It's a quite difficult job to translate dialogue-based fics like this one, especially ones heavy with insults 'loose' language. You wouldn't imagine the lists of insults Russian has – мразь, тварь, сука, сволочь, падла, придурок, лох, козел, дебил, тупень, мудак, and that's not even scratching the surface. Those aren't even the particularly censored ones, but still offensive, each in a slightly varying manner. (Yes, I know, that's probably why most of the world think Russians are aggressive barbarians who didn't have a writing system before Cyrillic and live in constant cold, always wear ushankas, have pet bears and drink vodka all day long. Well, fuck prejudices.)

Please tell me if you'd like me to translate the next chapters of this fic too: while written ingeniously in Russian – I can swear it is; it's brilliant, fantastic and amazingly hilarious – I'm not sure I was able to pass on at least a bit of that humor in English. When I find the time, I can be quite fast with translating, though of course I spend most of the time researching and weighing words that I choose to express as the counterpart words and expressions from the original work. It's the whole point, really – I've got to get the 'taste' of the words from one language to another.

(Если же ненароком кто-то русский это читает, то наверняка он скорее всего знает этот фэндом иначе бы не оказался вот здесь, а значит читал фики по Реборну и на Фикбуке. Соответственно, он наверное читал один из самых популярных фиков по Реборну, 'Пьяный Тсуна или "Поговорим?"', однако если я ошибаюсь, пожалуйста не бойтесь попросить у меня ссылку на оригинал. Поверьте, оно того стоит.)


	2. The interrogation continues

**Drunk Tsuna or "Let's Talk?"**

* * *

**Original Author (Russian):** Pipistrello

* * *

**Original Source:** Ficbook

* * *

**Translated by:** 0Oo The River Witch oO0

* * *

**Summary: **Because when the Tenth Vongola boss becomes truly fed up and, most inconveniently, gets drunk, no one knows what will happen. Obviously, whatever it is, it can't be pleasant, especially for those who face the Vongola Decimo's righteous wrath. Drunk!Boss!Tsuna

* * *

**Characters:** Sawada Tsunayoshi, Vongola, Varia, Dino.

* * *

**Warnings:** OOC, alcohol, language. This fic is forbidden from taking seriously (officially from the fic author.)

* * *

**Disclaimers:** KHR belongs to lovely Amano Akira, 'Пьяный Тсуна или "Поговорим?"' принадлежит совершенно замечательной и чудесной Pipistrello, translation belongs to me.

* * *

"Mou..." Tsuna sighed tiredly, "We're done with Mukkun for a now. Even if _that_ was only a teensy bit of the bastard's 'heroiс deeds'."

The look that the boss threw at the illusionist was full of sardonic irritation, and there was also a rather clear view of Tsuna's immense desire to strangle the pineapple asshole and see him burn already.

"But we won't be petty buggars," the boss continued instead, "And we won't mention such trivialities like the pineapple plantation in the greenhouse, money scams, detergent in the city fountain and vulgar 'anonymous' notes, sent by some 'madam Isolda', and of course, we will not mention the late hunts for Hibird from slingshots. Hibari," Tsuna directed in exasperation at the raven-haired when the latter started forebodingly rising from his seat with shadowed eyes yet again, "Your time will come _after the meeting_. There are many things for you to hear yet. Please, do stuff your box of patience till it just can't take any more shits so you can dump it all out on the fucker later."

Glaring death at his boss, Kyouya slowly sat down and stilled in tension.

"And so on and so on, et cetera." The brunet summed up the mist's wrongdoings up. "Oi, Gokudera," He waved his hands at his 'right hand'. "Bring some champaign. Or better another bottle. Oh! And get me three glasses."

"Kufufufu. Why only three? There are four of us left, am I wrong? And better two bottles – something tells me one won't be enough," the Mist smirked.

"Right on spot, Mukuro, four left. I see you have a firm grasp on your mathematics," the Sawada snickered mockingly. "But they ain't for 'em but for you, darling." And with those words, Tsuna threw another glass brought by Hayato at Mukuro.

"Kufufufu... Missed again. Boss, do aim more carefully~"

"Maa maa," Tsuna's grin was outright scary as he downed some more from his bottle, "I'll get to you yet, you piece of pineapple shit. And if it's not me, Hibari will have a fun time with you. Don't worry. Hehe! But right now we will talk about another superstar of our today's program. Of our one and only rain guardian, master of the comedy genre – I present to thee fuckers, Yamamoto Takeshi. Everybody smile, our rainy-kun just _loves _that. Mmm..." Sawada's lips stretched into a nasty smile. "What's the matter? Come on, smile already."

He drank some more from the bottle, gesticulating his hands at the Guardians.

"Ne, why're you all so sad, huh?" After another dose of alcoholic, the Tenth's tongue started slurring even more. "Lambo, be a good boy, stuff your snot out of my bloody sight and fucking smile already. Mukuro- Oh right... I see you're amused as it is, you freak-eye bastard," He drawled sulkingly. "Ryohei, smile now- _f__ucking shit!_" Tsuna staggered sharply. "Holy onigiri, what happened to your face? Where are your front teeth? Mou, fuck it, you've always got bloody missing teeth. Just visit our family dentist – he should fix you up." The boss cringed, glancing at his Sun guardian with pity.

"So, where did I stop?" Tsuna frowned. "Oh, right. Mmm..." He smiled stupidly again. "We're all smiling, right, Hayato? Smile." Tsuna took the bottle again and, attaching himself to it, made several gulps, after which he put it on the table with a bang. "Brrr." He bristled. "That was quite... Ah, fuck it all to hell- So, Gokudera-kun? My darling 'right hand', can't smile, mhm? Right now you tried to smile there, it looked really... twisted. And that's not good, darling," Sawada clapped on his guardian's shoulder. "Not good because you've gotta try to be happy with life. Without a smile you'd go bonkers in this freak zoo." The Tenth shook his head sorrowfully.

"With how things go, they'll put me into a nuthouse soon, next to that fucked up excuse of a Ripper. I heard, Xanxus sends him to one every three months or so. You know, when he goes berserk and starts attacking his own brood." Tsuna's gaze momentarily flitted over the Cloud Guardian's directions before he quickly looked away, seeming to submerge into his mind before thoughtfully speaking up. "It's a bit too good from such a perspective, but... maybe... Hibari," the boss turned to the black-haired man with a kind smile and completely innocent eyes. "Ne, Hibari. Mmm... What, no?" He pouted at the skylark and then shook his head in disappointment. "You really don't want to? Not even for a little while? A week at least, no?"

"Sawada Tsunayoshi..."

"Hell with you then, you drama queen." The Sawada mumbled, genuinely disappointed. "Oh! Maybe you want a glass, ne? It should help. Would you like some?" He gazed at Kyouya questioningly.

"Kufufu. Look at that, Righthand-kun, your beloved boss completely lost it. Hibari-chan's hair are even standing on end there, kufufufu..." Rokudo snickered.

Hibari threw Mukuro a glare that could freeze over hell, and, grunting under his breath, gazed back at the Sawada. Giving him first a slightly bemused and then a contemptuous look, he grunted again and pompously leaned back into his chair, folding his arms, clearly showing that this whole situation and the drunk boss held completely no concern of his.

"Wow..." Tsuna still couldn't take a hint. "What are grunting about? What are you, a teapot or something?"

Kyouya, being somber as always, and in a mostly calm state of mind, decided to do the smart thing and simply ignored Tsuna's drunken ravings.

"You're really so dense, Hibari. Mmm. I wonder – what did I do to deserve such guardians? One's a teapot, the second talks like a chicken," Tsuna started pointedly bending his fingers, "The third one behaves like a five-year-old, the fourth laughs all the bloody time, the fifth shows some very sick interest in me, and the sixth... Is quiet, for some fucking blessed reason today. By the way, Ryohei, why're you so quiet?" The boss furrowed his brows and then waved a hand. "Wait, that's not important." He shook his head. "Keep your mouth shut for now, we'll talk with you later."

The Juudaime looked at the bottle of champaign somewhat resignedly, and with a sigh, started drinking in hasty gulps. Choking on the fourth, he started coughing violently and banging his chest. The worried Gokudera thoughtfully patted his boss's back.

"Th... thank you, cough, Gokud...ra, cough," Tsuna wheezed out, voice hoarse from choking.

"Cough... Ghm. Fuuuck." He drawled in frustration, glancing at the bottle. "I wanted to finish it in one go."

Grabbing the side of the table, he sharply stood up.

"Wow, everything's so spinny. Party hard!" The boss shouted.

Loosing his balance, though, he clumsily fell back into his chair. Grunting with displeasure, he still sat up and with a serious expression – at least, the most serious in his state – he gazed at those present.

"Right. I'm ready so let us proceed." He said in his boss tone. "So then, Yamamoto." Tsuna zeroed his eyes on the Rain guardian. "I see, you still haven't stopped smiling. Mmm..." The Sawada started teasing again.

"Tsuna," The swordsman said, smiling, "I'm smiling because you make me really happy today. Hahaha!"

"Would you fucking look at that." The Tenth blinked disbelievingly at the guardian, now a ghost of a mock on his expression. "I make you happy today, hm? Why you..." Tsuna almost reached for another glass, but remembering that Yamamoto was a swordsman and as a swordsman, he had a first class reaction speed, the man put the piece of glass back. "Oh, Gokudera, dear." He groaned theaterically. "I'm thirsty, bring me some water." After those words, all the guardians tensed since everyone remembered what happened last time. Gokudera put the glass in front of his boss and glanced at the raven-haired, smiling malevolently.

"Oh, water." Tsuna sang in a semi-happy tone. "Good." He took the glass into his hand and everyone stilled in caution. But their boss only drank a bit and put the cup back on it's place. He then twitched as if uncomfortable and grumbled loudly, "Dammit, why's this suit so fucking itchy," after which he clumsily dove under the table.

A few second later, huffing, he climbed back and blew away the hair away from his eyes and straightened. And then, suddenly, making a highly surprised face, he looked at the entrance and exclaimed, "Squalo, what are you doing here!?"

All the guardians simultaneously turned to look at the door, as did Takeshi. Taking advantage of the moment, Tsuna, swinging his hand back, hurled a shoe at Yamamoto that he had been holding under the table. Naturally, not expecting such a dirty trick, the swordsman didn't have time to dodge and so, the sparkling clean, very expensive shoe hit him straight in the head.

"Touchdown!" The brunet shouted victoriously. "Didn't expect that, huh? Baka. That's so you don't go all lax on me. So, Yamamoto? Mmm..." The boss continued mockingly, watching the guardian who was rubbing his head with slitted eyes. "Now we'll have a talk with you."

With that, Tsuna started ruffling through his stack of papers. Taking out about ten inches, he waved them in the air.

"Here they are! Your feats, you bloody Don Quijote," with irritation, he started looking through the pages. Finding what he was looking for, he snorted and looked up at his Rain guardian. "Tell me, Takeshi, do you have a driver's license?"

"No," Yamamoto smiled. "But I'm supposed to get one soon."

"So you don't, mhm?" Tsuna pursed his lips. "Can you drive then?"

"Weeell..." The guardian looked away awkwardly, scratching his head. "I think I can. Yes, I can drive."

"Tell me then, what means of transportation are you capable of driving?"

"Ehhh? Well, I can drive a motorbike... a bicycle... a car, mostly," Takeshi listed thoughtfully.

"A bicycle is good," Tsuna's words screamed mockery. "A bicycle is very fun. Uh-huh. But then tell me, you piece of samurai shit," He couldn't help himself but start yelling again. "Why the fucking hell did you and that crazy Varia woodpecker Squalo steal a bus? Hah?! Come on, do tell us such an obviously exciting story." The brunet prompted with clear skepticism.

"Hahaha, so you're talking about that?" Takeshi started grinning again. "Well, we – Squalo and I – we were training like usual. He was showing me this move. And then he got thirsty and offered to go to the city. But we sort of got lost when we were looking for a good training place on the helicopter so we decided to take the bus to the city. That's all." Takeshi smiled brightly.

"That's all?" Tsuna asked, calmly. "_THAT'S FUCKING ALL!?_" The boss' shout made the walls of the room shake. "So you don't want to tell me all about how you two monkeys knocked out the driver, tied him up and threw him out of the cabin? I have suspicions that it was that hairy fish – of course it was the bloody bastard, who else. And then, when Squalo... 'asked' you, you took the wheel and decided to drive to a store. All because you were _fucking thirsty_. No, I understand why you took the wheel and not the other one... The shark still can't get a bloody driver's license because every fucking time he forces his instructors to either reanimation, hospital for deaf, or a nuthouse. And fuck it, fishes with knives instead of hands are not to be given driver licenses." The Tenth was getting more and more infuriated.

"But fine, you took the wheel, that might've been okay," Tsuna waved his hand. "You're the one who can at least drive a little. _But why did you drive on the fucking opposite lane?!_" Tsuna's voice was starting to get hoarse from all the shouting.

"Well..." Takeshi tried elaborating.

"_This is not Japan, you fucking idiot, this is Italy!_" Sawada screamed hysterically. "It's bloody _right hand traffic! _Gokudera, champaign." The boss ordered, trying to calm down as he leaned back, breathing heavily.

"Right away, Juudaime," Hayato, vengefully grinning at Yamamoto, quickly set to carrying out the order.

"But Tsuna, it was so fun. Now I can even drive a bus! It was really easy. Even Squalo thought that I was good at it."

"Why, if driving a bus at 100 mph on the opposite lane while dodging other cars is called 'good driving'? Then yes, Yamamoto, you're a fucking genius at driving now." Sawada clapped his hands. "Bravo! But about this 'fun' of yours... No, I'm bloody sure you and Squalo had _plenty_ of fun, but there were some troubles brought to the other fifteen passengers of the bus." He sneered. "And do you know what we have? Two cases of heart attacks, six nervous breakdowns resulting in permanent stutters, five are in need of hearing devices – there cannot possibly be sane people who can handle the shark's screams for more than five fucking minutes." The Decimo's gaze darkened as he looked honestly pained at the swordsman. "And another two... They were an old couple, about to celebrate their sixteeth marriage anniversary," Tsuna shook his head in sorrow. "They quietly passed on from heart failure when they saw a truck you were about to collide with. Unfortunately, they were not there to see how you luckily steered right out of it's way." Tsuna clapped his hands again.

"Great, Yamamoto, you're a fucking brilliant driver. But there's just one little problem – exactly who do you think is going to pay the compensations to the mourning families? Right! Vongola of course." The boss slammed a fist against the table making everyone flinch and, gripping the bottle Gokudera just brought, made several long gulps. With a loud clang, he put the bottle down but the suddenly bubbling champaign overflowed and, drenching his hand, dripped down from the table and into a sticky puddle on the floor. The Juudaime shook his hand and, struggling to sit upright, thoughtfully wiped it against his pants. Sighing bitterly, he took a glass and threw it angrily at Mukuro who was quietly suffocating from laughter.

"Kufufu," the illusionist stopped bothering to smother his chuckles as he dodged the flying glass gracefully.

Ignoring the Rokudo for now, Tsuna glared back at Yamamoto whose smile became evidently sad.

"Repent, Takeshi." The Decimo jabbed a finger at him. "Though, knowing you, you'll just laugh like a horse or something. You damned thing. Hehehe..." The boss started giggling like an idiot again and then grabbed the champaign again and took a sip.

While their boss was drinking to his heart's content, the guardians busied themselves with whatever the could think of. Lambo, realizing that his sins aren't as significant in the face of others, stopped wailing and was instead watching the boss with wary curiosity, who, after finishing the bottle, was trying to catch the last drop of the alcohol with his mouth. In the end, his hand twitched and the drop landed right on his eye. He sharply squinted and, flailing, started rubbing his eye with his tie that he then threw back over his shoulder again. After such a picturesque sight, Mukuro 'folded' in a new fit of soundless laughter and he even started snorting, trying hard not to laugh out loud.

Yamamoto, with a somewhat lost smile, was gazing detachedly at Tsuna's shoe that was lying peacefully on the table in front of him. Clearly, the death of the old pair had made him at least slightly upset. Gokudera was shooting him malicious looks and, noting that some of the reports on Yamamoto in front of the Tenth hadn't been voiced yet, chuckling evilly under his breath, slowly slipped his drunk boss another glass of water in hopes that it will be used as a throwing weapon again. Ryohei, with a mute shout on his face was banging on the table again. Kyouya, glancing disdainfully at his boss, snorted under his breath and gazed at the tonfa lying in front of him, defiantly showing his indifference to the whole situation.

While the guardians were busy with whatever shit they were busy with, Tsuna, finishing yet another bottle, hurled it at the far corner of the room and started digging through the papers again, muttering curses to himself. Slurring something incomprehensible, he took out a couple of files and concentrated on reading. Shaking his head, he tried focusing his gaze on the blurring lines.

"Oh- fuck it already. I remember everything anyway." Sawada tossed the papers back onto the table where they chaotically landed wherever they thought of landing. "Takushi... no, eto... Ta— keshi. Right, Takeshi. Listen," Tsuna grimaced as he looked at the swordsman pitifully, "Next time you and Squalo play that game – "Look what I can do" – could you do it bloody out of this mansion's territory, ne? I'm tired to shiznits at reconstructing parts of the house every time." He sighed. "Of course, I'm used that every time after the Varia come to visit, I get reports of some antiquarian missing. But after your 'games', I have personally found pieces of expensive vases and statues that have been carefully placed under the carpets. You know, vases from the Min dynasty aren't just stuff from stores. And also..."

The Decimo's nerves were starting to get out of hand again as he started tapping on the table unconsciously. "Next time we're going out with the family to a theater, you'll keep your swallow to yourself and not let it out so it 'stretches it's wings'. We have the best seat on the top, we're fine, but I get complaints from the people in the parters." Tsuna sniffed. "That bird of your's, it's really fast, the little shit, but it's got fucking good aim. Shits only on the very rich bastards. And Hibari, this concerns you as well." He glared at Kyouya reprovingly. "Just deal with your yellow fluffball somehow. And also – you know, when it's the culmination of Karmen's aria, the school anthem sort of ruins the drama of the moment."

"Sawada Tsunayoshi..." Hibari started icily.

"Yeah yeah," Tsuna waved a hand at him. "Everyone knows that already. Kamikorosu, right?" He didn't even give Kyouya a chance to reply before turning back to the papers.

From such screaming disrespect to his grand and mighty persona, the guardian first went speechless and then returned to his usual 'bitches, you will all pay for this" expressionas he reached for his tonfa. But remembering that his boss promised he could 'play' after the meeting, his eyes lit with a beastly sort of fire at the suffering (from laughter) Mukuro and he smiled in a very nasty and dark manner, settling down to wait in scary silence.

"Oh!" Sawada grinned triumphantly, sliding out in the light a stack of papers. "So, Yamamoto, we're done with you for now." Tsuna glanced at the ruefully smiling Takeshi. "So now we'll talk with our sun here. But first," he reached a hand towards Gokudera. "Champaign!"

The Storm guardian handed over an opened bottle, having taken it from under the table. Evidently, he put several bottles next to him, as he predicted his boss's wishes.

"Oh~ That was thoughtful of you. Good job!" Tsuna praised him. "If only everyone was so understanding." The boss sighed and made several gulps, not putting away the bottle as he practically hugged it to his chest and took some of the papers into his other hand as he gazed heavily at the boxer.

"So, sunny boy, care to tell your boss where you fucked up?"

Ryohei waved his hands energetically and tried to say something but he only achieved a sort of unfathomably hoarse sound.

Tsuna blinked dubiously at the boxer.

"Oi, Ryohei, what the fuck?" the Sawada asked incomprehensibly.

The guardian started waving his hands again and croaked something.

"Honestly, what the bloody hell is wrong with you today?" The boss continued, surprised. "What, you can't talk or something?" The Sasagawa nodded energetically. "Wow! And here I wondered why it's so quiet today!" Tsuna was genuinely amused. "Then what happened, mm? Where is your extremely mighty roar? Gokudera, what happened to him?"

"He strained his voice," Hayato clarified.

"Sou?! Wow, that happens too, I guess." the Tenth smiled. "And how did such a wonderful occurrence – that will certainly be put into the history of our little family – happen?"

"Well, last time when the Varia were here," Gokudera started explaining, "Turf head got drunk and decided to bet with Squalo and Lussuria – about who will yell louder. Well, the glasses homo lost his voice after about fifteen minutes, but the other two bastards continued for at least another six hours. Squalo winned anyway and turf head can't say a word now."

"What the actual fuck... Hahaha!" Tsuna was having fun. "Positively this's much better. At least I can enjoy some quiet for once in an eternity. Ryohei, dear, if you can't say anything," Tsuna teased him, "You'll be writing. Here, take a paper and a pen, you'll be reporting in written form," the Tenth smiled widely at the Sun guardian. "Then, let us begin, ne? So, Nii-san, of course it's very good when our family budget is growing, I can understand that since there's never enough money for you critters. But what the fuck is _this_?!" Tsuna snarled as he snapped a stack of 10 euros banknotes on the table and threw them at Ryohei.

They scattered over the table and every one of the guardians, taking a banknote each, stared blankly at them. They were looking at bad copies of 10 euros bills with very strange prints in the form of green tridents drawn in pineapples on them.

Ryohei, who took one into his hand, gave it a scanning look, and stared back at the Sawada incomprehensibly. He shrugged, his whole expression screaming 'so, what's the matter? is there something wrong?'

"_What are you shrugging at?!_" the Juudaime screeched. "What the bloody fuck is this, I'm asking you?"

Ryohei, looking at Mukuro who was barely containing his laughter, sharply grabbed a piece of paper and started scribbling something fiercely. After he finished, he reached over and handed it to Tsuna.

Tsuna, who took the paper, started looking through the boxer's jumpy handwriting. After about a minute, his eyes rounded and it looked like he even sobered slightly from shock.

"_WHAT?!_" He screamed in complete rage. "Fucking _notarized copies_?! Are you fucking with me, big brother?!" Tsuna glared at his Sun guardian. The latter shook his head profusely as he put up his hands in a placating manner.

"No!? Are you completely, absolutely, fucking sure?" Tsuna tried to calm down. "Okay. Fine. Good. Then let's sort this shit out. _Who the fuck gave this to you then?_"

Without a second's thought, Ryohei pointed at Mukuro. It was at that moment that the Mist guardian couldn't take it anymore.

"Kufufu! Kufufu! Kufufu!" The Rokudo, who was choking with laughter, had closed his eyes with one hand and was banging on the table with the other hand. "Kufufu! Such an idiot. Kufufu! Would you look at that – he actually fell for it~"

Ryohei, a picture of an angry bear, started writing something on a paper and then handed it over to Tsuna. The boss read it and then slowly raised his eyes at the illusionist.

"You... You fucking sick cockatoo." The boss was completely furious. "You changed Ryohei's dollars from the alliance meetings he attended for euros of your 'production', motivating it with the fact that your kindergarten needs new beds and the shop assistant only takes bucks." He slapped a hand at the table. "Tell me – are the money your 'believers' give you not enough, huh? So you decided to milk something from the family too, you piece of ungrateful scum? And you're a moron too, Ryohei. Found someone to trust, you imbecile. Oh fuck it!" Tsuna barked. "Gokudera, bring it out."

Another bottle was taken out and uncorked with a light _ping!_

Tsuna gripped it and downing half of it in one sit, huffed slightly and angrily put it back.

He took another glass and threw it at Mukuro.


End file.
